Stop Being So Lazy

Hobo-lifting Aroma (or Stop Being So Lazy) 3/?/07

I know this lady, well, that's a reach, I don't know that she's all
that much of a lady, but she showers regularly and dresses up to go
out, so you know, six of one. That part, the 'six of one' part, you
knew what I meant, right? I short-handed a cliched old saying because
I could save space since everyone knows the rest, and what it means.
No? Okay, the saying is, "Six of one, half dozen of another", and it
is supposed to mean that there is no difference, just semantics,
describing the same situation with different words. The same thing, or
the same difference, I have trouble with that too, but I'm getting
further off track.

Basically, you say you have a bag of granola and I say you have a
sack of crap and some interloper will pipe in, "Six of one, half dozen
of another." Ya, fascinating. That might be why they cut it down to
'six of one', see? Anyway, I would like for people to stop doing that,
shortening well-known phrases assuming they are so damned well-known.
I heard that six of one nonsense several times before I had any idea
what these hillbillies were trying to say, and I'm reasonably
coherent, really.

Back to the lady, she married my Uncle and became my Aunt Tinky
about 30 years ago, and she is as country as collard greens and
backyard dentistry. She is constantly dropping these abbreviated gems
of hokum wisdom, leaving me wondering do I even dare ask for the
English version. The one that got me the most confused is, "He
wouldn't take a job in a pie factory." The literal meaning was lost on
me, but by context I knew the intended meaning, she could just as well
have said "He wouldn't himqua toda flim-whap." She was trying to say
someone was very lazy, and specifically that this someone suffers
frequent, long-lasting bouts of self-inflicted unemployment. She said
this about one of her step-sons, my cousin Angus. ( He is as bone-idle
as a corpse but that's neither here nor there.) The phrase is intended
to convey that the person shuns work to such an extent that even a
leisurely, lucrative job would not be good enough to keep the person
interested for long. Unfortunately, I couldn't figure out how a
factory would be such a great place to work, especially a pie factory.
Heavy sacks of sugar, flour, and kidneys to lug around, loud,
dangerous machinery putting that wavy crimp in the crust, hobos flying
all around, I don't think so, not for me, thanks.

Eventually I asked someone else what this botch was saying, and I
got the original version: "He is so lazy; he wouldn't take a job in a
pie factory TASTING PIES." Oh. Oh! Yeah, that might be a pretty sweet
gig! I imagine pie-tasters make pretty good kablinky, seeing as how
they have already convinced someone that they deserve full time pay
for something that really only requires a mouth, which most of the
other workers in the factory probably possess. Not pretentious and
sanctified by society like those wine and cheese sniffing snobs, but
steady work to be sure.

All that trouble just because she wanted to save three syllables. I
counted, tast / ing / pies. Now that's lazy. The word 'botch' is not a
typo; it's a word for people that screw things up that may also be
bitches.

The Punchline That Had No Joke

This was posted to a website that has since become a dangerous portal
according to both McAfee and Google Security Whatzit, so don't go
there to read it; read it here!

The Punchline That Had No Joke (Barry Gibb is not jealous) 2/14/07

I had some friends that I had been cliqueing with since high school
and at one point two of us were working a construction job together.
Sometime in the Summer of 1988, Frizzle (name changed for pretty good
reasons) and I worked one particular job, a new patio deck and some
remodel work inside. The owner of the house was an Italian-American
guy with a lot of money (lays finger along side of nose). The wife and
kiddies were never there and briefcase-and-shiny-suit guy was amiable
enough when he would sidle through on his way in or out; but he had a
Mother-in-law, (or Grandmother or something), that didn't speak any
English and hung around watching us all the time. I'll call her Olda
Cronia.

On one sunshiny day Olda Cronia was watching as we did nothing for
about two hours while we waited for our boss to bring back more lumber
for the deck. Apparently Olda Cronia was unfamiliar with the concept
of contracted work, she was very agitated that we were there not doing
anything; I believe she thought we were on her clock slacking off. Of
course, we were being paid by the hour, but our idle time was hurting
our boss, not his client. Nevertheless, she eventually meandered out
near where we were and started speaking gibberish* and motioning for
us. We walked over to her and listened as she waved her arms about and
said things we didn't understand. She became increasingly exasperated
with us for deliberately not learning any Italian as she harangued us
on the topic of ... like I said, I think it was loafing on her dime, I
will never know for sure. I started nodding to her, thinking she might
shut up and go away if she thought we were agreeing with her -- but
that made her get louder. I probably agreed to do something and then
didn't do it, I sympathize with her vexing situation.

Eventually she summed up, (I concluded from the context of her
sweeping arm gestures that she was nearing the end of her rhetoric),
so I nodded most agreeably and said "Yes, yes, penis fluid"; with my
most agreeable smile and continued nodding. Agreeably. Frizzle, of
course, cracked up, causing Olda to storm off with steam blasting out
of her ears, (not literally). Being a friend of mine he had been
chosen for his skill/sense of humor in finding me hilarious, but it
was a pretty funny moment I must say so my damn self. I could have
said anything, she had made it very clear she didn't understand a
single word of English; 'yes, yes, penis fluid' just happened to be
the funniest thing I could think of to say at the time.

Forever after that day, the phrase joined well-worn movie and song
quotes in our gang's lexicon. Anytime someone said something
nonsensical, especially if they were very earnest, one of the other of
us would invariably start nodding his head, then the punchline, "yes,
yes, penis fluid." Followed by gales of laughter and a look of
consternation from the nonsensical babbler.

* I say 'gibberish' not as a gibe towards the fine language of
Italian, but as a commentary on someone continuing to blather to a
person they know does not understand.